I love to wear it, rarely decorate with it - and always feel it.

what a contradiction!

there’s something about this particular hue that sends my brain mixed signals - maybe because it’s embedded in my blood as a main internal personality trait of mine. or perhaps it’s some sort of weird aversion i’ve created on my own…but blue makes me blue.

denim? love it! my favorite jeans are Levi’s and I could wear them every freaking day - always classic, always a good fit, and always a good choice. I even recently bought a denim trench coat, and it’s the perfect topper to the Canadian tuxedo of my dreams.

but that’s where my admiration of blue ends…blue walls, blankets, rugs, …i’m not onboard. it’s far too close to gray, and gray is worse than saying FUCK in the catholic church in my eyes. i’m not sure why, but it had always caused my skin to immediately goose bump up with chills, and beg for some heat! some fire! something that will turn my senses ON! bring me the bold burgundies, foresty greens and cozy golds, and i’ll decorate the shit out of any room. i’ll dress the windows, embellish the couch, and drape my body in colors that bring the world around me to life.

i’ve always lived in a mildly melancholy world in my brain - all the while trying to project happiness and rainbows. maybe it’s the middle child in me, or the artist’s soul, but I want everyone to be happy and never worry. especially over me. so I sit it my blues a lot, many times alone, too often, very often. i’m not willing to accept it’s my personality, because at the heart of it - i’m a happy person who truly loves the world around her, and is grateful to breathe every day. I see the weight of what others carry, and I beg to never ever have to feel that - all while doing anything I can to alleviate theirs - even if just an ounce.

we feel, we see and we are the colors all around us. I find happiness and warmth in deep tones, but maybe I need to do a little more work on the so-called blues - because the clear blue summer sky, and deep sapphire sea are as calming and brilliant as anything we’ll ever see - something tells me, they’re here to stay ;)

i’ve always been the last one.

last to touch the wall on swim team, last to first kiss a boy, last to get a driver’s license, last to wear makeup and straighten my hair, and last to give up.

i’m starting to think that maybe my history of coming in last has prepped me for what’s up ahead. I started The Girl With No Plan in December of 2019, and after hitting it hard and going all in - slowly over the years, my inspiration started to wane. over time, little by little, my ideas became soggy and the confidence I once had with dressing my body dwindled. it’s hard to keep the faith on a passion project when you see others just soaring past you and your mind tells you to compare yourself. you know? so I let it all slide.

maybe this isn’t what I wanted to create after all? the internet is a harsh place, full of surface level ‘HOT HOT HOT’ and empty compliments. but what if I chose to just focus on the lovely parts it has to offer? the authentic ‘you inspired me to try somethings’, or the digi-friendships that become real life friendship (I see you Payton freaking Smith!)

I realized that’s where I want to be - in the space between coming in last, and never giving up, it’s where i’ve always been. so if you find yourself there too, let’s huddle together, bunker down and keep at it. I think The Girl With No Plan has only just begun, and i’m ready to be the last to quit on her.

p.s. thank you for reading :)