but, will I make it?

I used to think knowing one’s self, and being self assured meant confidence effortlessly followed right behind. You know who you are, you own your qualities, so you lead your days with the highest level of confidence there is. If that’s so - then why do I second guess every move I make?

I'm as self assured as they come, like I own being Emily Anna McMannis. I love country music, guinea pigs, my curly hair and any type of potato. I don’t dance well, I love to sing, I'm very much an idiot and I'll do anything for the fluffy ones on earth. So why do I worry every time I walk into a room? Why would we second guess our words, when our thoughts never stray?

This got me thinking tonight, so much so, that I made myself sit down and write about it here. We read articles about the stars, and people we look up to, and how they ‘have it all.’ They have it all, yet they feel so self conscience. Whether it’s a couple pimples on their skin, their height, or where they come from - everyone has something that triggers their heart beat to speed up. Maybe it’s human nature? Maybe it’s the nature of a creative? I'm not sure.

When we are trying to become something, or someone, in our world - for me right now it’s professionally - we can be looked at as weak for sharing our insecurities. My photography journey has been bumpy, I LOVE it, but I'm still very much learning. Why do I feel the need to let everyone know that though? Why do I preface every convo about pictures with “I’m not a professional.” ? Fake it till you make it, right? Well, I'm not an actress for a reason (probably actually a shit ton of reasons hahaha), but ‘faking’ it has never come easy to me. My heart is tattooed to my sleeve, I don’t hide my expressions well, I own up to my weaknesses (maybe a little too much) and I love living to the beat of my own drum…or harmonica. Whatever!

I hope we can all find camaraderie, acceptance and room to explore in knowing a lot of us feel the same way. Like a lot of times when I write, this helped me realize the root of my initial issue. Why am I self conscience when I know exactly who I am? Does knowing you lack confidence in certain areas, but owning who you are whole heartedly, actually make you the MOST confident in the room? Shit, I'm not sure, but I like it. We don’t have to fake it, we can slide right in with messy hair and present our unsure selves to the world - and still make it. I’m sure of it ;)

First Fallen Leaf

This summer has been a hot one. Not just hot, but open the oven and stick your face in front of it as soon as you walk out of the house hot. You get it. It felt like, many days, it would never end, and the crisp autumn air would never greet us. It’s easy to get that sense of not knowing if / when some relief will come our way, when we’re caught in the thick of it. Doing all we can to stay cool, not melt, and hope for a little less inferno tomorrow.

Sound familiar? I couldn’t help but think this is so much like certain seasons of life. Seasons where we feel like we are right in the middle, or thick of it. When it’s hard to take another step, you feel the pressure of gravity pushing relentlessly down onto your shoulders. Hoping that one of these “one steps at a time” will be the one to cross us into the next season. I think we’ve all been here, and maybe some of us are currently in it.

While I was walking Fretty, late this morning, I noticed the first falling leaf of the year. I took note. There was nothing I could have done to speed that little leaf up, no matter how bad I was ready for the ground to be blanketed by its fellow friends. Just like life, the trees and leaves take one day at a time. They blow around holding tight to the summer branches while the sun beams down and rain drops help them glow vibrantly green. There’s no set time, some years the growing season is longer, other times - it flies right by. But eventually, after pushing through the heat and steam, relief comes.

The air turns cool, a breeze comes through, and the cozy colors of Mother Nature surround us. The season changes.

There was no way for us to get to this new chapter except by going through the days before, and hoping one day we will wake up and feel a little bit better. It’s sort of wild how nature and our lives are so tightly intertwined. I hope the sight of today’s first fallen leaf brings you the cozy comfort you’ve been hoping for. It did for me, and I thank you for reading :)

• Emmy

Good Things Happening To Me

• my apple gave me energy and was so crisp

• Listening to Aubrie Sellers’ “Last Name” on indefinite repeat 😎

• Mamma offered me her rental car to see daddy this weekend

• Lauderdale gave me a tshirt “hope”

• Coffee in the mornings with pups

• Richard Savage 🤣

• This mornings breeze after it being eternally 100 degrees

• Parks & Rec

• Laughing with mamma and Kathleen in the car

• Walking knee deep in Charleston roads with no shoes on

• Being with mamma and daddy in the same day

• Quiche from the kitchen

• Seeing the new baby horse

• Taking a nap at daddies in a rain storm flanked by weims

• Hummingbird scones

• Waffle House with Kathleen

• Seeing the new baby pony & his chiclet teeth

• Sunset in Beaufort

• Gift shop turtles

• Frettys newly bathed fluffy coat

• 60 degree mornings

• Frank’s purple shirt

• Direct deposit 😎

• Head scratches from Jefé

• Memes from Brittany

• Taylor and Travis got engaged!

• Was asked to take photos for flower friends

• Nitro coffee with Dale

• Night walks

• Fake fall

• Finishing a part of my first time knitting a sweater

• dropping a book off at mamma’s

• Clean sheets

• Kathleen’s texts from the animal shelter volunteering

• Collin getting back to America safely, after an epic trip

• Saying stupid shit with daddy 😂

• Firewood Joe coming out

• Pushing myself to exercise through the tired, and ending feeling so much better

• Frettys face when he chews carrots 😍

• Snake juice episode

• Talking to my sister everyday

• Jeff telling me I looked pretty

hesitantly happy

As I spy and then pluck a single silver strand from the glow of my dome, I find myself … hesitantly happy.

I find a joy inside that I haven’t in a long time. Just tangled between the worries of not worrying, I find my mind sitting in the now.

Maybe it’s the running I’ve picked back up again? Being outside in the fresh air and moving my body for sure makes me feel good, and I have found personally how crucial it is for my everyday chance of bliss. But no, it’s something else…

It for sure isn’t my social media career, my followers have dropped and this girl still has no plan. Oddly, however, I find myself even more charged up to fight back, push forward and keep the ship going. I don’t think we need to have just one dream in our lives, we can have many, and we can chase many at once. And this is one of mine. So maybe just the fire inside to keep going has brought me a happiness I’ve longed for?

I’ve had a couple wins at work, perhaps those are causing my inner sun to shine? The seeds are planted, and the roots seem to have taken, but still the growing has yet to begin and I know each of those fruits has a long way to go. But the soil is good, and I keep watering daily. Grow little guys :)

Personally I tend to toggle the line of extreme internal chaos and ready to join the peace corps - so that’s certainly not aiding into my new found bliss?

so what is it?

As I sit here and grab another mini handful of mini chocolate chip cookies, I realize it’s all of that. And it’s none of that. I’m finding myself, I’m growing into myself, and I’m creating my own world.

I’m recognizing my body growing older, pushing to defy the odds and allowing the parts of my heart and mind that combat each other on the reg, to keep fighting it out to the death.

I’m hesitantly happy :)

why

why am I always thinking about my weight?

why am I never satisfied?

why do I only want what I don’t have?

why do I question every move I make?

why am I always on my phone?

why am I the way that I am?

why do I worry all hours of the day?

…and all hours of the night?

why am I so vain?

why do I always compare myself?

why am I so hard on myself?

why do I give up so easily?

why am I a hard ass?

why am I afraid?

why am I weak?

why am I always wanting more?

why do I question the stars in the sky?

why am I always thinking about my weight?

why do I curate chaos in my mind?

why am I my own worst enemy?

why am I not further along?

why do I underestimate myself?

why am I happy?

…because I choose to be <3

but, why…

it's life

it’s not porcelain, or the rarest diamond, that’s the most fragile.

no, it’s not even glass, or hundred year old china.

it’s life.

too often, I feel, we are reminded of the fragility of life, and how precious it truly is. just today, the tragic crash in the Potomac River, and the loss of a music leader in the Nashville community. it’s days like today, and these moments, that punch you right in the gut, cause your eyes to become misty, even if you never came across the lost souls.

you too easily could put yourself in the place of their families, and friends, and feel an ounce of their heartache and grief. I know for me, I can’t allow myself to feel that.

I can’t ‘only imagine.’ because that imagine is far greater a pain than I hope I ever have to feel.

so for all those today, yesterday, and tomorrow - remember what the most important thing in this entire world is.

it’s life.

take care of one another, and be a shoulder (if you can) for someone that may need it.

the thirties

not who I thought i’d be, but exactly who i’m meant to be.

there’s something equally terrifying and freeing about being in your thirties - take it from someone who’s halfway in.

i’ve never been one that was really dedicated to the ‘timeline’ - I didn’t need to be married by 23, have a couple tiny ones by 25, no - a white picket fence was not needed. BUT I did need to make money, and lots of it! I needed success, and power and influence. I needed to have the career that people aspired and dreamt of, the house where all my family had their own stay over rooms, ten dogs running in the yard (likely some donkeys, goats and zebras too), and the ability to change the world. that was the biggest one.

change the world.

if i’m not doing something big, then what am I really doing at all? If I don’t have millions of people adoring me, my life pales in comparison to the few on the top tier. what does this have to do with my thirties, though?

everything.

i’ve learned that all of that, and yet none of that, is what I need, or want.

my thirties have given me freedom to create, play, experiment and become. my twenties were a lot of fun, but nothing could ever entice me to go back. I had years where I think about myself and hate who I was, with many moments of excruciating hardship. I was holding on for dear life and what I thought it needed, or should, be.

no, my thirties are when I started to LIVE.

I found freedom in changing my mind.

I allowed time to take center stage and guide me down the unpaved path.

I grew as a support system, the glue, for my family, the most important people.

I recognized that my dreams are still there. they haven’t gone anywhere. they may be pressed into a different mold currently, but dreams are dreams and they will always remain.

I know the mold will change - and my thirties have me excited about that, and even welcoming it.

I can have the family still, I can buy my dream home (I’M NOT FUCKING GIVING UP ON YOU 12 SOUTH!!), I can make the money, and I can change the world.

one smile at a time, one laugh with Mamma at a time, one kayak paddle with Daddy at a time, one kitty convo with Kathleen at a time, one LLOVESICK purchase with Collin at a time, one head scratch with Jefe at a time, one walk in the leaves with Fretty at a time, and one blog post written on the couch, by me - Emmy - at at time.

let your thirties be the party era - it’s the best one i’ve been to yet :)

the thief

time.

she takes it all. but mostly, she takes our youth and my ability to sit in every moment.

I remember being 8 or 9 years old and time just inched along. summers stretched so far that my mind was ready for the days of school structure. once that came along, the countdown to christmas was like watching sand pass through an hour glass. eternity.

then something wildly crazy happens, right before my eyes, all of that lands behind me.

25 years ago I was 10 years old - which I truly remember like it was yesterday. in the time it takes to blink, i’m transported back to Quarters T-1 - making movies, picking berries in the woods, and selling snow cones on the corner to every Marine that hopefully ran by. I remember what I wore, the name of our neighbor’s parrot, the sailing instructor I fell madly in love with (at 11! lol) and how brutally aware I was of turning a decade old. as I blew out my 10 candles, I knew I would never be a single digit again. and I remember such a feeling of sadness falling over me. maybe a lot of us felt this way? or was it just me? i’ve always been hyperly focused on life, and our world, even at a young age. and still to this day it takes no effort to go back in my mind. effortless, exciting, and sad. how could that have been 25 years ago?

it get’s crazier. when I look 25 years ahead, I will be 60. SIXTY. FULL STOP. it’s not the number that scares the shit out of me, it’s that the time i’ve lived already - double that up, and it will go even quicker this time around. maybe there will be a couple babies sprinkled in there, no doubt a full petting zoo, but how in the world do I make sure to capture these next 25 years before they too get away from me? i’m not sure, other than try my best to love those around me, travel the world, and be thankful for each day.

I really didn’t think through what I would type out here (i’m sure it’s quite obvious!) these are all just thoughts as they come from my dome to the keyboard. we do our best to stay in the moment, and remind ourself to jump back into them when we can. the thief will always be here - but lucky for me, I keep hard copies of every year in my memories <3

blue

I love to wear it, rarely decorate with it - and always feel it.

what a contradiction!

there’s something about this particular hue that sends my brain mixed signals - maybe because it’s embedded in my blood as a main internal personality trait of mine. or perhaps it’s some sort of weird aversion i’ve created on my own…but blue makes me blue.

denim? love it! my favorite jeans are Levi’s and I could wear them every freaking day - always classic, always a good fit, and always a good choice. I even recently bought a denim trench coat, and it’s the perfect topper to the Canadian tuxedo of my dreams.

but that’s where my admiration of blue ends…blue walls, blankets, rugs, …i’m not onboard. it’s far too close to gray, and gray is worse than saying FUCK in the catholic church in my eyes. i’m not sure why, but it had always caused my skin to immediately goose bump up with chills, and beg for some heat! some fire! something that will turn my senses ON! bring me the bold burgundies, foresty greens and cozy golds, and i’ll decorate the shit out of any room. i’ll dress the windows, embellish the couch, and drape my body in colors that bring the world around me to life.

i’ve always lived in a mildly melancholy world in my brain - all the while trying to project happiness and rainbows. maybe it’s the middle child in me, or the artist’s soul, but I want everyone to be happy and never worry. especially over me. so I sit it my blues a lot, many times alone, too often, very often. i’m not willing to accept it’s my personality, because at the heart of it - i’m a happy person who truly loves the world around her, and is grateful to breathe every day. I see the weight of what others carry, and I beg to never ever have to feel that - all while doing anything I can to alleviate theirs - even if just an ounce.

we feel, we see and we are the colors all around us. I find happiness and warmth in deep tones, but maybe I need to do a little more work on the so-called blues - because the clear blue summer sky, and deep sapphire sea are as calming and brilliant as anything we’ll ever see - something tells me, they’re here to stay ;)

coming in last

i’ve always been the last one.

last to touch the wall on swim team, last to first kiss a boy, last to get a driver’s license, last to wear makeup and straighten my hair, and last to give up.

i’m starting to think that maybe my history of coming in last has prepped me for what’s up ahead. I started The Girl With No Plan in December of 2019, and after hitting it hard and going all in - slowly over the years, my inspiration started to wane. over time, little by little, my ideas became soggy and the confidence I once had with dressing my body dwindled. it’s hard to keep the faith on a passion project when you see others just soaring past you and your mind tells you to compare yourself. you know? so I let it all slide.

maybe this isn’t what I wanted to create after all? the internet is a harsh place, full of surface level ‘HOT HOT HOT’ and empty compliments. but what if I chose to just focus on the lovely parts it has to offer? the authentic ‘you inspired me to try somethings’, or the digi-friendships that become real life friendship (I see you Payton freaking Smith!)

I realized that’s where I want to be - in the space between coming in last, and never giving up, it’s where i’ve always been. so if you find yourself there too, let’s huddle together, bunker down and keep at it. I think The Girl With No Plan has only just begun, and i’m ready to be the last to quit on her.

p.s. thank you for reading :)