not in every sense, but I've grown up.

I still had a mini stroke paying my taxes the night before they were due,

I still think I'm too much of an infant myself to have a child,

and I still get makeup on the collar of my white shirts.

but I've grown up.

especially in the last 6 months.

today marks 4 months since losing my perfectly extraordinary cousin, Sophie. in some ways, and it’s hard to explain, it feels like she’s just on vacation. on the coast of somewhere beautiful writing poems about the rhythm of the waves, while each freckle deepens beneath the sun. then other days it hits like a face straight to the sidewalk.

the lose is immeasurable, and hard to grasp, it forced me to grow up in a way I never wanted to. to grow up for myself and for my family. to be a shoulder, a place of comfort and a person they can count on.

you see the growth etched into the lines on my forehead, the rings rounding out my eyes, but also in the thoughts of hope and desire for happiness. growth can be hard, but also wonderful. it can open doors within us that we never thought existed - whether by accepting ourselves and our faults, or by pulling out the strength of a rhino to keep showing up and pushing on. growth is everything, and everywhere.

Soph loved nature, and I can’t think of a more perfect example of growth than that. from flowers to baby giraffes, to the pull the moon has on the tides - nature teaches us that growth can be a challenge, but also rewarding.

so, even though I still feel 8 years old and look for the butterfly fly by each day - I've also grown up.

I'm wearing your jacket today peach, and I'm choosing to find happiness and fun in every tick on today’s clock.